May 26, 2015


You find yourself attracted to someone you shouldn’t be.
You have a crush on someone who is married.
You fall in love with someone who lives a million miles away.

Maybe you’ve experienced it before.
Maybe you have friends that have experienced it.
It’s the ‘impossible love’.

How to let this kind of love grow you, not destroy you?

How to transform adoration into a deeper, more timeless, boundless love?

Lately I’ve had several friends confide in me about their ‘impossible love’ heartaches, so I thought I’d share a handful of methods to transform heartache into heart expansion.

falling in love with the moon

In some ways, when we adore someone, it’s like the sun falling in love with the moon. The moon is reflecting the sun’s light back to the sun in a beautiful way. But ultimately, the moon does not possess a certain kind of light that the sun needs; it simply reflects back the light of the sun.

In the same way, you may become infatuated with someone because they reflect back to you certain qualities that you yourself have. If this is the case, you can transform your adoration into admiration, and ultimately a celebration of your own potential.

Reflect on all the things you admire, adore or love about them. What draws you in to this person? If it helps to clarify, write it down. If you find yourself thinking, “I love the way this person does x … “ then ask yourself why. Get to the root of what qualities you adore so much about them.

Then look at yourself – these are likely qualities that YOU have, and want to bring out in yourself MORE. Or they are qualities that you’re just only now wanting to develop more, and to see them expressed fully by another person excites you. This person you adore might represent ways of being that YOU want to embody to a more profound degree.

If you put more effort into magnifying those qualities within you, you may find that the intensity of your crush or adoration relaxes – that the fixation, grasping, attachment and desire (or stickiness) around the adoration dissolve and shake out – leaving pure, unadulterated admiration, and true unconditional love without personal needs or wants.

In realizing that you are deeply appreciating someone’s qualities that you yourself possess, then there is less desire to get close to them. There is no loss and no missed opportunity by not being intimate with them – and therefore no disappointment. In that way you can also feel thoroughly content and appreciative of whatever time you do spend in their presence. This person’s way of being can teach you something as is, without physical intimacy. And your adoration serves as a catalyst to bring out the best in you.

your feelings are created by you

I remember many years ago when one of my teachers explained something to me about feelings. It was so incredibly profound – and almost disappointing in it’s illuminating way – as the translator exchanged Tibetan for English words, “No one can make you feel happy or make you feel sad. Energy passes through a certain channel in your body and you experience joy. Energy passes through a different channel in your body and you feel sadness or disappointment. But all of these feelings are generated by YOU, not another person. No person outside of yourself can make you feel happy. It’s all created within the channels of your own body – it’s all created by you.”

In some ways, the clarity of this was disappointing. I felt all of the Hollywood movies and Disney-conditioned fantasies come crashing down, like some kind of bad joke. Here we are running around searching for ‘the one’ – our other half – to make us feel complete and whole.

On the other hand, this insight can offer tremendous relief. It means that no matter how broken we think we are or feel we are, we don’t need a magical soulmate to make us more than we already are. We’re whole and complete right now – as we are. We don’t need anything outside of ourselves to experience wild joy, profound love and a sense of total interconnectedness with everything around us.

How you feel around the one you adore is created by you, not them – recognizing this helps us not be so fixated and obsessed about them. We can simply be aware of what arises within us, and see it more as a temporary display vs. something that is only catalyzed by this person or only available when in their presence.

Being around this person may trigger some kind of response within you, but it is not inherently that person’s doing – it is being triggered by and within you.

Here’s a song I think you’ll like, especially if you think in terms of this expansive, higher unconditional love:

expand your love - free your love

Oftentimes when you have ‘impossible love’, it is filled with the rush of seeing this person … which leads to the desire of wanting to be close to them … which leads to the disappointment and frustration of not being able to be close to them … and this can cycle around and around, as many times as you like. And if the object of your ‘impossible love’ is perceptive, they will likely know how you feel, even if you say nothing.

The important thing to remember is to allow yourself to feel whatever feelings arise. You don’t have to chastise yourself for experiencing the joy of someone’s presence. The key is to be aware of the feelings as they arise – and to transform and expand them, so that they lead to expansion instead of contraction.

Example. Let’s say you have a tremendous crush on someone who’s not available. Or you are not available. Whatever.

Every time you see this person, you get excited. But this is ‘impossible love’, which means that you are not going to ‘get’ anything from it – this love is not going to express itself through physical intimacy.

And we are human. There is this thing that arises calling ‘wanting’ … We want to be close to this person. We want to look at them. We want our eyes to meet. We want intimacy with this person. Sometimes we don’t even know what we want … we just find ourselves wanting …

As a result, our good feelings end up bleeding over into disappointment or being hard on ourselves. Or it leads to an endless waterfall of stupid thoughts and fantasies, which wastes precious time and energy that could be infused into any number of other positive projects (that actually benefit others and make the world a better place).

Or we might feel like shutting ourselves off or shutting down or shutting that person out of our awareness completely. There are times when it may be more beneficial to simply cut off all contact, yes, absolutely. But if you are able to work with your feelings and discipline yourself, you can transform your adoration by expanding it to others, instead of reserving it for just this one person alone.

You can expand the positive power of this joyous, precious love to everyone around you. And you can allow the love and joy of knowing that this person exists in the world fill you up and overflow out of you. Let it fill you up so much that you don’t need anything from them, until thinking of them or seeing them brings you enough joy – that you have no wish to ‘get’ anything from them, (attention, glances, time, whatever).

Practice this simple rejoicing in their existence in the world, until there is no expectation, secret wish, attachment, fixation, grasping or wanting (nor disappointment). Expand your love, so it’s not so laser-focused; fill yourself up with that love + adoration – expand it to everyone you see – fill their bodies up with that love, adoration + warmth.

Anyone you come in contact with, visualize filling them up with this love. This love has no limitations, and is not dependent on getting attention or anything in return. It’s boundless, free and can spread across space in waves and benefit everyone in your presence.

Here’s to boundless love, 

P.S. Interested in a little flower elixir magic to help you work through your impossible love?

Infinite Love increases your capacity to love yourself- and how much we’re able to love others is directly related to how much we love ourselves. Experience Infinite Love.

Fierce Compassion is amazing for love, nurturing, and appreciation of things just as they areas well as healing emotional wounds of the heart. Experience Fierce Compassion.

katie hess flower alchemist

*Cute illustration by Sven Grothe - thank you!

23 Responses


December 22, 2019

Dear Katie,
I have no idea how I came to click on your site but your article hit me like a brick.
It made me understand that there are ways indeed to turn this burning and consuming ache into something positive and productive.
I had resigned to believe it would be possible, but just realizing that there is a key, makes me feel so much lighter allready.
I met a girl/woman in 2004. The briefest of encounter really and she was not free. However the saying “struck by lightning” was adequate here. She has been in my head and heart ever since and I have desperately tried to forget her, without success. By pure coincidence I found her again through social media a while back and we had some contacts. Unfortunately I felt more sad and horrible after each exchange. I see now why that is, because I recognize so much of myself in every aspect of her. As you said, I should be glad that she exists and holds a mirror to my face to become a better man. Radiate this feeling instead of potting it up. Accept that it is just not for me during this life and share this love with others. Thank you so much and all the best wishes for Christmass and the upcoming year.


November 18, 2019

I really relate to the concept of falling in love with the moon” and reading this has made me realize how I have grown. In a lot of ways, he’s a living example of the me I want to be and I think the fact that he’s a regular part of my life has served as encouragement for me to grow into myself more. I see him as an augmented version of me and I think that gives me hope and motivation to do so.
Part of what makes this love so hard for me is the fact that he also fulfills a lot of needs for me that I’ve never felt fulfilled before. And I love the way this fills me up and yes, it makes me want to love everyone around me, but mostly it makes me love him more.
Anyways! I really enjoyed this blog. Thank you (:

Sukhada Ghewari

September 05, 2019

I feel like this post is made for me. I was suffering because of an impossible crush I have( I still have). You have me a new perspective of looking at him, a positive one. He indeed is a moon to me ( I wish to be like him). Thanks for this super helpful post.

Roy Lawrence Paredes

June 20, 2019

In one way or another love always would find a way. I do have experienced impossible love. It was not easy at first but you do realize that things will just fall in its place at the right time. This article helped me to look at love in another facet, looking back it was appreciation of the presence of the one I loved which opened me up to become a better person helping me move on from a seemingly stuck situation


February 20, 2019

i once had experience of impossible love. both this man and myself had mutual feelings for each other. it seems that some of our circumstances were quite similar and we understood each other. the only intimacy we had was a friends’ hug. but he was advised to move back to his adopted country due to his health so in the long term, it was impossible for us to be together as partners. even after all these years since our last meeting, i still have fond memories of us together and that whenever i feel broken, thinking about him is enough to heal my heart. i know it sounds funny but having met him made me realise how fortunate i am to experience true love and impossible love at the same time.


September 03, 2018

Thank you Lotus Wei family for recalling this article in your recent newsletter! Revisiting a topic like this is always constructive, and we are so inundated with so much information these days that truly important messages like this one can slip into the recesses of our minds, so I am grateful that you pulled this one out of the ether for me =D

All the (romantic) loves I have experienced have been one-sided, and this is what I’ve learned from them:

1. Love in its truest and purest form, is always good. There is no harm in truly loving another person, so no reason for judgement there.
2. If you truly love another person, then you should always consider whether the things you do or engage in that would involve them on a physical, spiritual, or energetic level would harm them or help them. If they would find anything that you do or engage in (like obsessive thoughts – would they like you thinking of them like that? What does that do to them energetically?) offensive or harmful, then you won’t do that if you truly love them. Not to judge yourself, but that you recognize that it does not benefit either you or the loved one and is a waste of your energy and a distraction from your purpose. Then you can choose to transform the energy from that activity into something from #3.
3. If you really feel the need to do something positive for the person you love, either do it anonymously OR do something for someone in need while knowing in your heart that it is for the benefit of the person being helped and acknowledging that the motivation behind the act is the person that you love. You can also send Reiki healing energy or pray for the highest good and happiness of the person you love – as well as their loved ones and family. There is no selfishness, offense, or suffering caused by the very last three activities and in contrast you are actually improving the world and its energetic signature, so your love becomes a gift that benefits us all.


July 23, 2018

This is a totally awesome article. I have never seen this issue addressed so wonderfully and on the mark. Everything I’ve read before always tried to diminish the reality of what’s there. You have shown how to expand it to something even greater while helping to address the reality of the impossibility of that love that is to and from and with and for an individual. This is what I’ve been feeling and thinking, but have never seen it so clearly expressed such as you have done here. I have recently found that this burning impossible love can help ignite your sharing that love to others. And the amazing thing is that when practiced, it becomes an ever-increasing well to draw from.
Thank you so much!!!

Steve ca

January 10, 2018

I have that type of love and I do not know what should i do


September 30, 2017

What a beautiful message. I’m getting over an impossible love right now, so you can imagine how heavy my heart feels. But this article helped lots and it gave me a new perspective. Thank you and loved the song as well. All the best to you!


October 02, 2017

All the best to you, too, Jeanne! Happy to hear this helped <3


September 12, 2017

I adore the positive trend the author has.
You are not a mere writer. You are a skillful psychologist. Highly appreciated.


September 17, 2017

Thank you so much!
This crazy gigantic crush was making me crazy. Litteraly. (Was failling my math class too.)


May 25, 2017

I´m with Nesli here, best article I´ve read so far on the topic. Going through an impossible love myself for almost 2 years. It is one of the greatest love experience I ever had because it has lead me to become the best version of myself and to unconditionally spread this love around me. I´m so grateful for that even if it could be very painful at times. The question who usually hurts is “why”?, “why do I have to experience such an amazing and profound connection that way?”. I try the best I can to take care of myself and living in the present with no expectations.
Thanks for the nice read!!


May 31, 2017

Hi Marine, thank you for commenting. It is such a challenge & yet so growing, isn’t it? It is such an amazing practice of unconditional love + not having expectations. <3


June 03, 2017

Hi Mahdi, I’m in a situation like so and I’m always thinking of her even if I don’t want. I sleep with thinking of her and wake up in her think. I was searching a good solution cause I don’t have a good financial circumstance and even a specific job. But I really fear to lose her during the time I’m making better situation. I don’t know what I must do…


March 16, 2017

Best article I have read (and I have read a lot) on the subject! Thanks for shedding light on my misery. :)


March 17, 2017

Happy to hear you found it helpful!


February 07, 2017

You know, I’ve just read this essay and I think it can be practical…
But the matter in my situation is I’m not sure my love is an impossible love or sth like that…
I can’t see her and rarely, once in a two months, I see her, but she is in my mind all the time and I can’t stop thinking about her…
I don’t know what to do with this feeling, I don’t know I should follow it or no… I’m always teeling myself that “one day in near future, your conditions would get better and then, you should start your relationship with her”…
But I don’t know what will happen to her while I’m waiting and this fact bothers me…
I just don’t know what do with it…
Anyway, thanks for this great essay…


February 07, 2017

Hi Mahdi,
Thanks for commenting. Life is short! Don’t think too much – take the risk and reach out to her. Better to open a channel of communication. ;)


September 07, 2016

You are right. Love is a self state of being. I am working with this, I am working with love. I had a crush that changed my way radically, for the good, even my body is new, younger, I am amazed. Its me now, I am great and started to see this crush from another angle.
Thank you


September 13, 2016

Edgardo, thanks for reading and commenting! Yes, yes. I love to hear how you transformed because of your experience. ; )

Christoph Messner

December 17, 2015

That essay about impossible love is really greatly written! So true and full of good potential! Just magnificent!


December 17, 2015

Christoph, thank you so much! Really, really appreciate your comment. Vielen Dank & schoene Gruesse! ~Katie

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